We’re passionate about our kids’ baseball and when things aren’t going well with their team, the impulse is to leave in a huff. Now the fact that you’ve likely paid lots of non-refundable money up front for multiple seasons with the club blunts that urge. Yet still, if the team’s not right for your kid and the situation has become negative for your kid or even toxic, breaking up may be the right move.
Once you’ve decided to leave, you don’t want to do it in a way that may hurt your kid down the road. Follow these rules:
4. Don’t Give a Reason Why You’re Breaking Up with the Team
Your break up letter shouldn’t be the Declaration of Independence or a Jerry Maguire manifesto. Make it short and sweet. Remind yourself that while there may be greater issues of fairness at play, you’re making your decision for the benefit of your kid and not some greater good. As psychiatrist Jason Kim states, we get into trouble when we fool ourselves into believing we’re championing some greater cause. Thus, don’t act like you’re taking a stand for the community at large and keep the break up to what it’s truly about: your kid.
Offering reasons for why you’re leaving will sound petty and hostile and accusatory, no matter how well you word it. Thus, don’t offer any reason. For example, a good letter might read:
Dear Coach, we've decided to pull Billy from the team. Thanks for all you've done for us."
Is that it? Yes, that’s all you need to write. Fire it off and you’re done. If the coach then follows up with you asking for the reasons behind your decision, he’s opened the door for that conversation and you can respond with reasons, if you choose to.
What Not to Write to Your Baseball Coach – Real Life Example
Take this actual email from a parent to a coach as an example of what not to do (I removed the player and team names for privacy purposes):
Dear Coach [name],
After much thought we are going to pull [player name] from [team]. We are sure you will just remove us from GC and not care one bit about this. You probably won’t even read this, but in the event that you do here are a few things you should know. [Player name] made the [the B team] and expected to play.
This constant benching him to play players from other teams that get a lot of playing time on their own teams is just not okay.
This constant benching him to play players from other teams that get a lot of playing time on their own teams is just not okay. We did not pay $2800 to have our child sit more than he plays. If you did not have confidence in him or believe in him you shouldn’t have taken our money and cut him.
We also didn’t pay $2800 to not have consistent coaching. This is evident when coaches show up and don’t even know the kids or have a line up and decisions are made by a “coach” who isn’t even there. It is clear that you never cared about [player name] and his development as a player and just do this for the money. After speaking to many other former players, we know we are not alone.
The email we received at the beginning of the season stated clearly that playing time was not a given it was earned however this is clearly not the case. This is devastating to [player name] as he was so fond of your organization and the coaches he developed relationships with. It’s a shame it has to end like this, but his well being as a baseball player and 13 year old child comes first. We would hope that you would feel that way too, but it is clear that you don’t.
The parents here obviously may have had valid points, but nothing was accomplished by writing the long accusatory break up letter and a bridge was burned. All of this could have been avoided if the parents had just kept it short and simple and not offered a reason for their decision to leave.
The Coach’s Predictable Response
As to be expected, the coach lashed out after receiving that email and wrote this:
That’s very unfortunate to hear, as [player name] has definitely gotten better since he joined, but to hear you try and blame my moral integrity instead of taking an actual look in the mirror is laughable.
You can think of every excuse in the book because for every one of you, there are another nine sets of families who actually get it. Take a look into your son’s statistics compared to everyone else on the team and then maybe you’ll be able to comprehend certain coaching decisions.
Your son was in the starting lineup every single game in a tournament where your team went 4-1 and lost by one run to the team that won it all. Seeing this message clearly shows that you only care about your son, instead of the organization, so it is much better to not have a parent like you in the program anyway.
Good luck to [player name] going forward.
3. Don’t Threaten a Break Up as a Ploy to Get Your Way with the Coach
Before you go down the road of breaking up, make sure you actually want to leave the team. This isn’t a rom-com where you go through a rough patch and ultimately end up together and happy (think When Harry Met Sally).
Unless your kid is a total stud who’s bringing lots of positive attention to the club, your baseball coach is going to have no appetite to have an emotional back and forth with you. And he’ll want to have nothing to do with you and your kid once you make threats.
If this current situation on the team is untenable but you’re not convinced that you want to break up, reach out to the coach and ask to speak about your kid’s situation (following the 24-hour rule of course). I’m not saying this will wind up fixing the situation, but it will be more productive than threatening to quit as a means of making changes.
2. Don’t Be Passive Aggressive
In this bucket of no no’s, I’m including the timing of your letter (don’t leave your team in the lurch by breaking up right before an important tournament) and the method of your break up (don’t ghost your team by not sending a break up letter and instead forever leaving your availability on GameChanger as “no reply”).
If you’re at the point of breaking up, you likely have animosity toward the coach. But take the high road and don’t act on it. Send the short and sweet email and move on. This is the right move because you don’t want to stoop to that level, and also it’s not in your self interest. If you get the reputation as an angry, spiteful parent, it’s going to hurt your kid later on with another team.
1. Don’t Ask for Your Money Back from the Baseball Team (Because You’re Not Getting Your Money Back)
If you’ve decided to leave the team, but you’ve already paid for the upcoming season(s), you’re of course going to want your money back. But deep down you know they’re not going to give you the money, and you’ve likely signed something putting them under no legal obligation to return your money. So don’t insist that they reimburse you or make stupid threats to sue them. Just think of the money as a sunk cost and walk away (it’s obviously easier said than done).
Now if you haven’t paid in full, you might consider not paying the rest of the dues. And if they have your credit card number, you maybe should ask your bank for a new number . . . .
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR BREAKING UP WITH YOUR TEAM? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS.
For information about the emotional side of baseball, see:
- I Spent 30K on Youth Baseball Last Year; Here’s How
- Anger Management and Youth Baseball: How to Calm Down
- How to Manage Your Kid’s Baseball Tantrums and Meltdowns
- 4 Ways to Respond to a Coach Playing Favorites
- How to Stop Being a Crazy Baseball Dad
- How to Be a Good Baseball Dad in the Backyard
- Is It Now Fashionable to Hate On Baseball Dads?
- Are Local Little Leagues Bad for Baseball?
For information on hitting, see:
- How to Get Out of a Hitting Slump
- 4 Best Baseball Batting Aids (No. 3 is Free)
- 4 Hitting Drills You Need to Do Before Every Game
- 4 Old School Baseball Drills You Need to Be Using
- 6 Mistakes to Avoid When Buying a Baseball Bat
For information on pitching, see:
- What You Need to Know About Little League Elbow
- 4 Ways To Increase Your Kid’s Pitching Velocity
- Is the Circle Change Dangerous for Youth Pitchers?
- Why I Don’t Let My Son Pitch in Little League
- Pitching and Head Injuries: What You Need to Know
- How to Make Sure Your Kid Isn’t Overpitched in Basebal
For ways to get faster, see: