We spoke to Dr. Jason J. Kim, a psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian Hospital, and asked him why youth baseball make us so emotional and what we can do to stop being so crazy. Also, he gives advice for coaches on how to deal with emotional parents.
Youth Baseball is Stressful
Where do I begin! The culture of youth baseball can turn normal people crazy.
Your Kid is Always Being Judged
When my older son was on his first travel team, I’d hear the coaches and other dads constantly evaluating the boys. Each kid’s flaws would be noted, and analyzed, and eventually joked about. I’d hear:
- This kid has the worst throwing mechanics they’ve ever seen and can’t be helped
- That kid will never make a high school squad
- This other kid strikes out way too much despite all the hitting lessons he takes
- Another kid (who was quiet and rarely talked) must have autism
They never said anything about my son to my face, but I knew every time he struck out, every time he booted a ball, every time he pitched poorly, these guys were going to talk about it and draw conclusions. His standing on the team felt so precarious.
I’d be so on edge at the games, worried that he’d mess up. And this was when my son was 7!
Coaching Will Also Make You Crazy
The natural solution to get away from bad coaches is to coach your kid’s team yourself. You have control now! You don’t need to worry!
Problem here is that if you’re not a former high school or college player, some parents will never accept you as a legitimate coach (especially if they’re former players).
Another thing is that baseball parents are so demanding and will turn on you on a dime if they think you’re shortchanging their kid. I would have great relationships with some parents for most of the season, and then one game didn’t go to their liking, and they’d literally be at my throat.
Earned goodwill is a concept that doesn’t exist in youth sports.
And when you coach, you inevitably wind up favoring your kid and becoming just as bad as the other coaches you complained about.
Club Baseball Teams are Super Stressful
When you’re on a good club team, the dads expect to win. They have absolutely no tolerance for your kid underperforming. They want to win every tournament. They want to be ranked in the state. You feel lots of pressure for your kid to live up to those expectations.
And if the coach of the club team markets his program based on winning championships, he’ll sit your kid or cut him the moment he has a better option.
If it’s a competitive club team coached by dads, they’ll also cut your kid when they’re able to get a better player (while of course never cutting their own kids).
Now if your club is all about “development” and officially not concerned with winning, they usually will cut no one and have three teams for every age group, and your kid will often be lost in the shuffle.
This is all to say there is no such thing as the perfect baseball club. And you’ll switch clubs a lot, and have a lot of complaints, and it’ll be stressful.
Why a Seemingly Normal Person Turns Into Crazy Baseball Dads
I hardly ever fight with my wife, rarely raise my voice with the kids, and am known as a chill “team player” at work. Yet in the context of youth baseball, all bets are off. I surprise myself at how emotional I can get, once nearly coming to blows with another dad in the stands.
I asked Dr. Kim what it was about youth sports that makes us so unhinged.
“Things get intense when baseball becomes a means to fulfill the needs of a father rather than son,” Dr. Kim said. “A son represents a second-chance, a ‘do-over’ that gives one an opportunity to re-face old demons, re-challenge and maybe even master one’s old wounds. When a son fails, the father is failing, twice. It hurts a lot more than it should.”
The Reason Kids Quit Youth Teams
Kids by me are constantly switching club teams when the parents get upset about the coaching and think another club will be the solution. I asked Dr. Kim why we as parents are so quick to pull our kids from a team.
“Basic immaturity,” he said. “Exact same thing happens when a kid doesn’t get his way and takes the ball home so that no one can play. There is no willingness to accept that life is basically unfair, and that calls are always going to be bad on occasion, and some folks get benched for no particular reason, or maybe it is even favoritism, but there is no changing that. The task of maturity is to accept the hand that one is dealt and to make the most of it.”
Why Being a Crazy Baseball Dad Hurts Your Kid’s Performance
We were on a team a few years back where one of the mother’s cried in the stands every time her son struck out. He once struck out four times in a game, and she bawled each time and had to be consoled by the other parents.
I can be equally as bad with my son. While I don’t cry when he messes up, I have angrily shouted at him after a game. I asked Dr. Kim in what ways an emotional parent affects the psychology of a youth athlete.
“The roles get reversed between parent and child,” he said, “and the child serves the emotional needs of the father; hitting a home run is about fulfilling some emotional need of the father rather than something more intrinsic. A son may sense the importance succeeding on the field is to the father and begin to resent it, even to the point that baseball isn’t fun any more. Children need to become their own individuals, and a son can’t do this if a father becomes the motivation to succeed.”
How to Identify Your Triggers
According to Dr. Kim, a father needs to ask himself or herself why youth baseball is taking so much of an emotional toll on them. Therapy is certainly the right choice to help identify the ‘original sin.’ Medications can certainly help if there is an underlying psychiatric disorder that results in disproportionate aggression, irritable mood, or impulsivity.
A lot of things happen during a baseball game that can piss you off, including:
- Favoritism by your coach that disadvantages your kid
- Your kid messing up
- Bad calls by the umpire
- Showboating by the other team
- Fans of the other team being rude
Identify what really gets to you and try to avoid it as much as possible. For me, there’s a specific coach I can’t stand, and I sometime have my wife take my son to games when this guy is coaching the opposing team, because I know there’s a good chance I’ll get into it with him.
I also on occasion have taken a Valium before a game to take the edge off, like I do before I board an airplane or go to a holiday dinner with my family.
Consider Watching Games from the Outfield
Another fix is to watch the games by yourself in the outfield, ideally in a place where your son can’t see you and interpret your body language. Also consider getting some stress toys. I know it sounds goofy, but they work.
What Baseball Coaches Can Do When Dealing with a Crazy Dad
Coaches have to understand that to some parents youth sports is about more than baseball, according to Dr. Kim.
“It is about grown men trying to slay old dragons,” he said. “When someone does something immature, it helps to have this perspective, because these men are regressing to their old habits, the old ways, when they were boys, and forgetting how to be adults. One can’t simply yell at an infuriated father and tell him to ‘grow up.’ Probably the only advice I can offer is to agree to disagree, and then say as calmly and reassuringly as possible (with a hand on their shoulder) ‘I hear you. I see this is upsetting. I promise we can discuss this later, but let’s set a good example for the kids, and show them that adults can disagree without shouting at each other.'”
DO YOU HAVE ADVICE ON HOW WE CAN BE LESS CRAZY? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS.
For more information about the emotional side of baseball, see:
- Anger Management and Youth Baseball: How to Calm Down
- How to Manage Your Kid’s Baseball Tantrums and Meltdowns
- Are Local Little Leagues Bad for Baseball?
- How to Be a Good Baseball Dad in the Backyard
For information on hitting, see:
- How to Get Out of a Hitting Slump
- 4 Best Baseball Batting Aids (No. 3 is Free)
- 4 Hitting Drills You Need to Do Before Every Game
- 4 Old School Baseball Drills You Need to Be Using
For information on pitching, see:
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