There’s a baseball dad in my town I can’t stand. I’ve seen him belittle kids he coached, rig Little League playoffs so his team would win, alter the markings on a USSSA bat to hide that his kid was using an illegal bat, and pitch 8-year olds (but never his 8-year old) well over 100 pitches to try win meaningless games. He’s always scheming to kneecap people who oppose him, and plays the innocent victim whenever anyone confronts him. When I see this guy, my blood boils.
I spoke to Dr. Jason J. Kim, a psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian Hospital, and asked him how to lower the temperature when you run into people like this and handle other emotional triggers that inevitably come up at your kid’s games.
How to Avoid Your Emotional Triggers at Your Kid’s Games
We all have thing that trigger us and some people are better at controlling that emotional rush of anger. If you know you have a problem with anger, you need to identify what gets your going. It could be another dad from your town or club. It could be obnoxious fans of the other team. It could be an opposing coach bending the rules to his advantage. It could be bad calls by the umpire. It could be your kid messing up. It will likely be all of the above.
Armed with that knowledge, come up with a plan to minimize your exposure to these triggers. I hate to say it, that there have been times where I’ve simply just not attended my son’s game and sent my wife knowing that I was likely to have an outburst.
But there are ways to turn down the volume on your triggers. I used to coach travel, and I don’t coach travel anymore (I still coach rec), because there’s really no avoiding triggers when you’re that close to the action in a competitive game.
If you’re on a town team with people you can’t stand, you can go to a club team (but know that the grass isn’t always greener).
I now watch the games far away in the outfield, ideally in a place where no one can hear me if I shout something. Also I take with me a stress toy. I know it sounds goofy, but they work.
I also on occasion take a Valium before a game to take the edge off, like I do before I board an airplane or go to a holiday dinner with my extended family.
Anger Management Strategies for Baseball Dads
You can do everything you possibly can to avoid your triggers, but you still will find yourself in situations where you’re mad as hell at someone and they’re right in front of you and you feel an irresistible urge to do something. What do you do then?
Dr. Kim says you should take a two-step approach:
- Pause your anger. Don’t react immediately. Time is your friend. The longer you can pause the emotion, the more the anger will start to fade in intensity, giving you time to think. You can’t let there be a straight line from the flash of anger to your reaction.
- Realize (in the moment) the cost of following through on your anger. Dr. Kim stressed that in the moment, you might feel like you’re on a righteous quest, for example, to throttle that baseball dad who’s been tormenting your kid since 7U or to scream at the umpire who’s treating your team unjustly. But in the big picture, there is nothing honorable about beating up a jackass dad or shouting at an umpire in front of the kids no matter how incompetent he’s being. Dr. Kim asked me to game out what would happen if I followed through on my anger at that one baseball dad and I was triumphant and socked him squarely in the jaw and he dropped. If he bangs his head and gets really hurt, it could possibly result in jail time. Even if he doesn’t get hurt, I could be sued civilly and/or banned from coaching or attending my kid’s games. It’s just not worth it, Dr. Kim said. He added that in the great scheme of things, the person you’re angry at is as insignificant to you as the drunk on the subway who barks something at you. In that situation, you walk away to avoid escalating a conflict with a nobody. When you want to go off on somebody at a baseball game, tell yourself he’s as meaningless to you as that drunk.
I told Dr. Kim that I was never really going to punch anyone and that a lot of middle aged guys like to go right up to the line of fighting without going over it, like an impotent man engaging in foreplay. So I said all those horrible scenarios he laid out weren’t ever going to happen to me, and the worst thing would be that someone would punch me in the face, in which case I’d be the one with the lottery ticket lawsuit.
“Don’t be so sure you’ll never cross that line,” he said.
“The only thing that this harms,” I told him, “is my reputation.”
And then I paused, realizing that people in town thinking I was an idiot hothead–and my kids having to deal with that fallout–is a pretty substantial price to pay.
Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself, But Also Get Help If You Need It
Therapy can never hurt to work on controlling your anger. Like with phobias or panic attacks, Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can also work with anger issues. Remember there’s nothing unmanly about going to seek help. I’ve done it. And medicine can certainly help if you’re prone to disproportionate aggression, irritable moods, or impulsivity. Click here to find a therapist in your area.
There’s an old Michael Caine movie I love called Get Carter (not to be confused with the awful Sylvester Stallone remake). In it, they kill Michael Caine’s brother and he spends the film plotting and executing his revenge. At the end of the movie (see clip below), he triumphantly kills the person who murdered his brother, and he’s finally satisfied, but moments later someone kills Michael Caine.
It shows that revenge is obtainable, but it also comes with a price. This holds true with baseball dad feuds and other sports entanglements.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR DEALING WITH ANGER ISSUES AT YOUR KID’S GAMES? LET US KNOW IN THE COMMENTS.
For more information about the emotional side of baseball, see:
- How to Break Up with Your Baseball Coach: 4 Rules
- How to Manage Your Kid’s Baseball Tantrums and Meltdowns
- 4 Ways to Respond to a Coach Playing Favorites
- How to Stop Being a Crazy Baseball Dad
- How to Be a Good Baseball Dad in the Backyard
- Are Local Little Leagues Bad for Baseball?
- I Spent $30K Last Year on Youth Baseball – Here’s How
For information on hitting, see:
- How to Get Out of a Hitting Slump
- 4 Best Baseball Batting Aids (No. 3 is Free)
- 4 Hitting Drills You Need to Do Before Every Game
- 4 Old School Baseball Drills You Need to Be Using
- 6 Mistakes to Avoid When Buying a Baseball Bat
For information on pitching, see:
- Is the Cooperstown Baseball Tournament Safe for Players?
- What You Need to Know About Little League Elbow
- 4 Ways To Increase Your Kid’s Pitching Velocity
- Is the Circle Change Dangerous for Youth Pitchers?
- Why I Don’t Let My Son Pitch in Little League
- Pitching and Head Injuries: What You Need to Know
- How to Make Sure Your Kid Isn’t Overpitched in Baseball
For baseball speed drills, see:
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